Prophecies for 2008

Subject to change of course!

In the year 2008:

* The ultimate irony will occur when Spanky (Rod Merideith) dies of a massive infection from a tiny iron splinter in his finger.

* While on a swashbuckling search for proofs of his interpretation of the Bible, Robert (former UCG forum host) inadvertently discovers Santa at his North Pole workshop, adopts a Santa-based theology, and begins wearing a foil hat to ward off non-Santa-friendly thoughts.

* The Abomination of Desecrations occurs when someone at the Flurry compound is told to "tinkle the ivories", resulting in urine contamination of HWA's old piano.

* Mrs Flurry files for divorce after discovering Gerald committing fornication with the Prayer Rock. Mr Flurry responds with, "But honey, after a six-pack, it's hard to tell the two of you apart!"

* Ron Weinland converts to Scientology, but is assigned to their RPF "jail" when he makes a stink about not being allowed in their Celebrity Center.

* The Good News becomes the Good Mews, after Clyde Kilough gets a cute kitten, ingests LSD, and invents new cat worshiping doctrines.

* Many Armstrongite ministers will come in Christ's name, say Jesus is Christ, and shall deceive many.

* There will at least be 8 or 9 people claiming to be one of the two witnesses, along with several people claiming to be the biblical personalities of Moses, a couple of Daniels, five or six Ezekiels, and at least one or two Elijahs.

* There will be a crisis in "The Work", and there will be a special day of fasting declared.

* The final "gun lap" will be announced in at least one ACOG pod. Will anyone care?

* The splintering among Armstrongism will continue. With the best corporate names already taken and no longer available, new more ridiculous corporate names will spring up among the new splinter groups: Church of God Nineveh's Hope, Jonah's Whale and Whaling Members; Church of God, Sacrificial Lamb and Monday Pentecosts; Enduring Waterhouse Sermon Church of God; Reader's Digest Church of God, Church of God, Seventh Day Spanky; and my personal favorite: International Church of God, Garner Ted Armstrong Church Jet Stewardess and Masseuse United, a Worldwide Intercontinental Community (ICOGGTACJSMUWIC)- are all a small sampling of the new religious ventures that will open for business to receive the tithes and offerings of the unsuspecting sheep who did not read Dennis Diehl's Those Prospering Pastors - When To Say No.

* Society as a whole will not notice Ron Weinland, and therefore the final warning message will not be received.

* A member of the famed "Young Ambassadors" will write a "tell all book" with plenty of behind the scenes stories of sex and practicing the Missing Dimension including what was going on under the table while they were dining in the home of Mr. Herbert Armstrong.

* Armstrong church related memorabilia will become collector's items and command top dollar on eBay with some items fetching as much as $2 or $3.

* Toy maker Mattel with produce a line of niche Armstrong Church of God Muppets dolls with the Dave Pack Ernie look alike Muppet doll being its most popular.

* The antics and the ridiculousness among the various Armstrong Churches of God will continue to be a source of entertainment and amusement to some of us who are fans of the Ambassador Watch website.

* Following the death of Mr Meredith, representatives from the United and Living churches meet at a restaurant during all-you-can-eat taco night. One form of flatulence resulting from the meeting is the news that the two churches will merge.
The resulting church's name is announced as Shackin' Up: Living With United, a Limited Viability Corporation.

* After hearing of the announcement, Bob Thiel contracts Demonic Dissociative Dissonance Syndrome, and slips into a semi-catatonic state, in which he rarely moves except when eating pretzels, using the litter box, or typing badly spelled words atrociously arranged.

* Dave "Pretty Boy" Pack fights Mike Tyson in an effort to bring attention to the RCG. During the thrilling fight, Daves Protective "Circle in the Ring" is breached when Tyson chews off parts of Dave's ears.
Tyson is disqualified for cannibalism, but then Dave is also disqualified when the referees discover pieces of Steuben Crystal in Dave's boxing gloves.
Dave's ears do look more normal after being chewed by Tyson's bionic teeth, though.

* Facts obtained through the Freedom of Information Act reveal that notonly was Joseph W. Tkach NEVER a "war hero" while in the Navy(as he claimed), but his reaction to being scared by a loud noise led to the coining of the term, "Poop Deck".